Sunday, January 10, 2010

Crafts? Just Kill Me Now

Hello, all you crafty, scrapbooking, homemade-Christmas-ornament-making, knitting, sewing people! Welcome. I am not one of you. I don't do crafts. Or, better stated, I can't do crafts. I am craftically challenged. Creatively challenged. I couldn't craft my way out of a paper bag. You get the idea. Also, I do not like messes. Art projects make messes. It's a known fact.

So of course, my daughter brings home this book from school. It's called, "Arty Facts: Insects, Bugs & Art Activities." Greeeaattttt.

All weekend, she has been bugging me to do the above project, which involves making some dough, forming it into spirals, baking it, and then painting/gluing/glittering your spiral. Ok, not that hard. For most people. I've been putting her off all weekend. Yesterday, she went out to play and spent the whole day down the street. Lucky for me. But last night, I pinky-promised her that I would make the dough today. And every one knows you can't go back on a pinky-promise.

So this morning, I got out the book. The book said I would need a bowl, a wooden spoon, flour, water and cooking oil to make the dough. Ok.

Let me read you the exact instructions from the book on making the dough.

"In a bowl, mix flour, water, and cooking oil into a dough. Add more flour if the dough is too sticky. Knead the dough, cover it, and put it in the fridge for half an hour."

That's it. Apparently, I'm supposed to guess on the measurements? Let's see... 8 cups of flour, 2 cups of water, 5 tablespoons of oil? Umm....2 cups flour, 1/2 cup water, 1/2 cup oil? We could be here all week. You see my predicament. Because as if this isn't hard enough for me, they leave out the farking measurements?

So I consulted with my best friend Google, trying to find a recipe for a playdough that you can bake. I discovered that every single playdough recipe on the internet contains salt. Why doesn't it say salt in the book? Because they are trying to make my head explode.

The simplest one I could find said 2 cups flour, 1/2 cup salt, and 3/4 cups warm water. After tweaking the amount of flour and water for awhile, I came up with something that wasn't sticky.

See the TV over there? The Ravens are winning like 24-0. Oh Patriots, we barely knew ye. Besides, the real game comes on at 2:30pm. Go Cardinals!!

See why I can't do crafts? I'm distracted by football.

Now the kid is kneading and playing with a lump of dough that I hope will keep her busy for a while. And I'm looking up the authors to this book so I can put out a hit on them.

Plus, you know when the dog is doing this? It means there's going to be a mess. Like flour all over the floor. I hate flour on the floor.

So as I'm typing this, Kylie shouts, "Hey mom, come look at this!" I go into the kitchen to see that she has flattened out the entire ball of dough into what looks like a dinosaur head. Which honestly? Is the biggest insect I've ever seen. She has her watercolors out, and she's painting the raw dough.

"Sweetie, you're supposed to bake the dough before you paint it."

"Oh. Oops."

She keeps painting.

Right now in my oven is a green, dinosaur-head shaped piece of dough. Kylie just informed her dad that he wasn't allowed to eat what was in the oven. Because I'm sure he would have been tempted had she not said that.

I think I need a drink.


Peterson Family said...

That was funny. I am crafty. I love to do crafts and paint and all that fun stuff. I don't get into football though...see we all have our own talents and interests!

And your blog header!!

Stacey said...

I like to "try" to do crafts. Usually, I start them but never finish them. I'm trying to do better. I can't believe they didn't include the measurements.

Dawn in Austin said...

One vodka-tonic, coming up! And yes, dogs always know when there's going to be a mess/food on the floor! I have two such physics myself.

Mary~Momathon said...

I like crafts that aren't sticky and don't draw the dog. Sewing! Anything else is a challenge. Good Job!

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

I did a lot of crafts, but Play-Do, homemade or store-bought, was never allowed to darken my doorstep!

Shana said...

Im sending this to my sisters...this is way to funny!! Two of us girls are crafty and the other is not. I think they will get a kick out of your story...hey maybe you should go into Comedy...;)

Anonymous said...

Ha! I can totally relate to this post. I'm right there with you. Zero craft skills here as well. My closest friends are all crafty, and I just hang out with them when they scrapbook and eat their food. :-)