50 Ways To Be A Cool Mom

Seriously. That is the title of an article in the new Parents magazine. They have different little tips in different categories, but one thing says "A Surefire Rescue Technique When Homemade Baked Goods Are Due Tomorrow Morning At Preschool." It says "Buy grocery store cupcakes, take them out of the plastic container, smooth out the tops a bit so it looks as if you've iced them yourself, and (emphasis is theirs) put them on a pretty plate or tray. Extra credit: Throw on a few sprinkles if you've got a jar in the cupboard."

Ok, really? Because if the preschool starts demanding baked goods, let alone homemade baked goods, they should take what they get and like it. Yes, I would buy them from the grocery store, no I would not try to disguise that fact. I don't have time for that crap. Faking like your grocery store-bought cupcakes are homemade cupcakes is how you get "cool mom" status? Damn those sneaky cool moms.

Here's another: "Become a regular at a restaurant where the waitstaff loves to carry your newborn around while you eat dinner." Uh huh. It really says that. Because that would go over really well at my local Chili's. I can just hear the staff now:

"Oh great...here comes that entitlement whore who thinks we should carry her screaming spawn around while she eats. Seriously lady...get a babysitter!"

They actually have a little cartoon picture of a waiter pouring wine into the glasses of a couple seated at a table with one hand, and he's holding (presumably) their baby in the other arm. I'm imagining this would also go over great with other diners, because when I go out to dinner, what I really want is a server who is all contaminated with some other person's baby's snot. Hello, Health Department?

Here's a good category: "Snacks to Serve On a Playdate That Kids Will Like and That Won't Make Moms Roll Their Eyes." Ok, first of all, if some bitch is gonna roll her eyes at the snacks I'm serving at the playdate, I think she can just host the friggin' playdates from now on. One of their 7 suggestions is "Rice cakes a la hummus." Right. Because my kids love those. Whatever they are.

I'm still baffled that this article is entitled "50 Ways To Be A Cool Mom." You want to know how to be a cool mom? Let your 15 year-old with her learners permit drive home from school, and kind of scrunch down in the passenger seat so no one can see you. Then let her open her window and blast Soulja Boy. Now that's cool. I don't do that of course, but I'm just letting you know that would be an actual way to be a cool mom. I, however, am not a cool mom. I don't serve hummus on cardboard rice cakes, either. I don't think that the word "hummus" has ever been uttered in my house.

My favorite part of this article, though, is the "3 Unwritten Rules of the Playground."

1) "If your kid is being bullied in the sandbox, refused a turn on the seesaw, or pushed down the slide, it's quite all right to tell someone else's child (in a nice way, of course) to knock it off. It's not okay to yell at him, give him a time-out, or take away his toys."

Ha. I think this lady would disagree. I'm not slamming her at all, she was posting in the comments of someone's blog about your bad parenting moments, and I have a lot of those.

2) "Just because there are lots of other moms at the playground watching their kids, it doesn't let you off the hook from paying attention to yours. If your child is stuck in the monkey bars ten feet off the ground, put down your Blackberry and untangle him." (her)

Ok, really? Because I don't have a Blackberry (do most readers of Parents have Blackberrys? Blackberries?), but if my monkey of a daughter was stuck in the monkey bars, I'd have myself a good laugh and tell her that she got up there, she can definitely get down! I'm not into this coddling the kids and helping them climb around on the playground equipment. I may not have a Blackberry, but I've definitely got a book or a newspaper to read. Sheesh. And the rest of you playground moms, stop giving me dirty looks. She'll be fine, she's tough. And she could kick your kid's ass.

3) "Yes, we know there's nothing sexier than a man at the playground pushing his kids on the swing. But in most cases that's someone else's husband, so back off."

Ok, now they're just going too far. Taking away the one vice I have left in the world, which is picking up men with small children at the playground and whisking them to my house for a quickie, is just unacceptable. It's not like we let the kids watch or anything. We put on a dvd and throw some Goldfish at them. Geez, I'm not completely irresponsible.

I am so glad I canceled my subscription to this crap. The online stuff is better anyway, blogs! Some of them are even funny and not this holier-than-thou parenting that the magazine promotes. I'm not sure why they decided to send me this bonus edition. Pink, of course...it's February you know. Oh wow, I haven't even looked for the cute valentine crafts and snacks yet! Hey, here's an article that actually applies to me...or it would have, 6 years ago. "The Unexpected Child." Hi Kylie!

I submit, yet again, that this magazine should be called "Parents of Babies and Toddlers." Just calling it "Parents" is really misleading. If your kid is over 4 years old, it's useless. Coincidentally, according to suggestion #7, that's the age where it's ok to serve frozen grapes at the playdate. And stop rolling your eyes at me.