Happy Mother's Day!

To all my favorite moms out there, Happy Mother's Day!

It's nice when they're young enough that they still make you things at school. I actually got this on Friday, because when the kids came out of PreK, they were all clutching their cards, along with what looked like a small bouquet of red roses. Upon further inspection, they were actually six pieces of cardboard egg carton, painted red, with green pipe cleaners for stems. I'm sorry I don't have a picture, because they are actually really cute. And better than real flowers, because they won't die. Here's my card:





See, that's me with the brown hair and Kylie with the blond hair. I love that kid, mostly because she thinks I'm skinny.

I told my family what I wanted for Mother's Day. And the best part is that they don't need to spend a single dime.

I work on Sunday mornings from 8am - 2pm. So I told them this is what I wanted:

1. When I come home from work, I would like the house to be clean.
2. I would like it if you kids didn't torment each other, just for today.
3. I would like someone else to cook dinner, and also clean up.
4. I would like to watch the season finale of Survivor tonight, in peace. I'm not saying people can't watch it with me, I'm just saying I want to watch it in peace.

Am I asking too much? Well, maybe. Wish me luck!

And now I want to wish a very special Happy Mother's Day to the mother of all mothers, Michelle Duggar. I know there are those of you out there with four, six, or even seven children, but you all have nothing on this woman.

As you may know by now, the family made famous by their specials on The Discovery Channel is awaiting the arrival of their 18th child on New Year's Day, 2009.

If you click on the Discovery Channel link up there, you will see a place where you can vote for the name of the newest addition. It just occurs to me, they will now be able to field two full softball teams, so they can actually play against each other. Ok, I know, where's the baby going to play? Well, right field, of course. How often is someone gonna hit it out there?

Anyway, you can vote on a name for the new baby, but there are only six choices for a girl and six for a boy. I can't believe they haven't used Jacob or Jessica yet. Remember, these are already taken:

Joshua, Jana, John-David, Jill, Jessa, Jinger, Joseph, Josiah, Joy-Anna, Jeremiah, Jedidiah, Jason, James, Justin, Jackson, Johannah and Jennifer.

They also have some "fun facts" about the family on the Discovery website. Fun facts such as:

- "Michelle has been pregnant for 135 months of her life."

That's their idea of a "fun" fact? I don't think that sounds like much fun at all. Assuming she doesn't miscarry, make that 144 months. That's 12 years, people.

Speaking of miscarriages, when I had one my doctor told me that statistically, 1 in 3 pregnancies don't make it to term, and 95% of those that don't make it end in the first trimester. So how responsible is it really, to announce the pregnancy (see video on the Discovery link) when all you've done is a home test and are less than 12 weeks along? They've never mentioned her having any miscarriages, but statistically speaking, that's almost impossible.

Upon more research, that's not true. From their family website, they said that when they first got married, Michelle was on the pill because they weren't ready to have children yet. Then she went off the pill and had their first son. Then she went back on the pill. Even so, she got pregnant again, but then miscarried. After consulting with a Christian doctor, they learned that birth control pills are really just a form of abortion. They were horrified, because they are pro-life! The miscarriage was God's punishment for using birth control! (Ok, see above statistics on the 1 in 3 pregnancies ending in miscarriage)

From then on, they decided that God would dictate the size of their family. It's not that they have a lot of sex, people...it's that God wants them to have 18 children. Or 19. Or 25. Meanwhile, that woman's poor uterus is screaming "Please! Stop! My lining is GONE!"

I wonder if she really hasn't had any other miscarriages (highly unlikely), or if they just don't talk about it because it doesn't fit with the story. Hmmmm.

Anyway, more "fun facts":

- "The Duggars do approximately 200 loads of laundry a month."

Ok, again, where's the fun? That's 6 2/3 loads a day, every day of your life. FUN.

- "Every Duggar child learns to play both violin and piano."

Whether they want to or not, dadgummit.

Oh, AND...Michelle homeschools all the children.

Ok, right now I'm in the middle of reading Escape by Carolyn Jessop. It's about one woman who fled the FLDS compound in Colorado City, Arizona with her eight children. Now, I know the Duggars aren't Mormon, or FLDS, and I'm not saying that. There are pictures in the book though, of how the women and girls were forced to dress, and they pretty much look like...well, like this:

I'm not saying...well, I'm not really saying anything, except that this family weirds me out, a little bit. I've watched a couple of their TV shows, and the kids seem a little...robotic, to me. And Michelle seems a little too happy. Like she's medicated, or something. And really, who would blame her? But I digress.

I'm anxiously awaiting the new Discovery Health special chronicling the newest arrival. I have some ideas for titles:

Stop the Insanity! Here Comes #18
The Day Michelle's Uterus Fell Out
Jim Bob Gets A Vasectomy
How Long Do We Have To Wait Before Intercourse?
Out With The Baby, In With The Penis
You Can't Get Pregnant While Breastfeeding: Busting the Myth

Hey Discovery, I have an idea for a crossover show...

Please, feel free to add your own titles.

And have a terrific Mother's Day, even if you're only one of those amateurs (like me) with two, three, four, five or 10 kids.