Fun With Google Analytics

Ok, so I think I finally have enough WTF searches on my blog for a decent post. Maybe. I've seen other people with much weirder keywords, but for what it's worth, here are my favorites:

1. a womans explanation to best foreplay with photos

Hon, if you don't know by now, I don't think photos are going to help you.

2. boobs on salt river

Every weekend, my friend. Every weekend.

3. birthday quotes for daughters age 13

How about this, "I hate you all, you're ruining my life...and get out of my room!!"
Five minutes later - "Can you drive me to the mall? And can I have $20 so I can go to a movie?"

4. choose jury duty called twice husband never

I know, right??? Me too! Except in my case, it was more like me five times, husband never.

5. convince exercise

Ok, go ahead...I'm listening

6. hummingbird foreplay
fore play+hummingbird

Um...what? Clearly something I missed in sex ed.

7. i think i'm begining to lose my sanity

You and me both, sister.

8. kevin bacon once said

"Let's DAAAAAAAAANCE!!!!!!!!!"

9. lucky i didn't kick your ass

Well...ok, then.

10. nude women ymca locker room -little boy got lost at the ymca

Um, yeah...he was "lost." Don't worry, I doubt he's damaged for life. Well, I guess it all depends on what he saw.

11. my name is shelly

Hey...me too! Well, except with an extra e.

12. sanity tattoo parlors in madison

Is this a problem in Madison? Are there insane tattoo parlors there?

13. sarah palin naked boobs

I KNEW IT!!

14. today your birthday i'm not with you

Well, screw you too.

15. treadmill vs racquetball

Racquetball kicks a treadmill's ass...every time.

16. snacks to serve at playdate

This one made me laugh, because the post that sent them here is this one, 50 Ways to Be a Cool Mom, and I was making fun of serving hummus on rice cakes, or something.

17. what is foreplay hummingbird

Again with the hummingbird foreplay. I would like to know what this is too. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

18. whats it called when you are the same age as your birthday number

Um...it's called your AGE? What the hell kind of dumb question is that?

19. head panty

Hey, at least they're not calling you "head dickweed."

And finally...

20. your boobs are danger to my sanity

Well, thank you. I think.

First Amendment? Anyone?

And here I thought that the whole country was a free-speech zone. But apparently in front of the library, it's a little more free than in other places. God bless America.

Does the phrase "God bless America" bother anyone else? It sort of seems to be like there's an unwritten caveat at the end, where the phrase actually says "God bless America, and screw Everyone Else." It always makes me uncomfortable. Why wouldn't we want God to bless everyone, rather than just the members of one particular country? I think if God is going to bless people, I'd like to include everyone. Just saying.

Food for thought on this Monday morning. Discuss.

P.S. People that bring chocolate to work hate America.

Edited on Tuesday night... *crickets*

Edited Wednesday night... Ok, so I guess it's just me that reads in the "screw Everyone Else" part. I will use the time spent not reading comments to ponder my cynicism.

Friday Night Lights

I think it's been pretty well-documented in this blog that I love football. Every Friday night, this is where I am. That's our team in the blue uniforms.

I pretend that we're at the games because Danni does this:

and this...

and this.

But honestly, even if she wasn't performing, we'd still be at the football games. Because Steve and I, we just love going.


Taking Kylie to the games is kind of a challenge, because she likes to run around with other kids. I've decided as long as I can see her or I know who she's with, it's fine. Plus, we let her suck sugar out of a big straw to keep her happy.

This past Friday night was Junior High night. That's when the 8th graders in the bands at the two junior highs that feed our high school get to come and play with the marching band at the football game. They don't march on the field with the band, but they get to play the stand tunes and fight song.

Here's Shannon with her snare drum. The only way I could get pictures was to wait until she was sitting down in the stands, so she was kind of trapped there when they started playing a song. She told me to go away. I told her I would go away if she let me take one picture. Then I lied and took about five.

She's not looking away from me, she's looking at the director. Really. She hates me though.

You know "He Who Must Not Be Named?" You're looking at rare pictures of "She Who Must Not Be Photographed."

And please...don't tell her they're on my blog. I don't want to watch her head explode.

Nostalgia

Driving to work this morning, I was feeling a little down. Today was the kids' first day back at school after fall break, and middle daughter and I had a small exchange this morning that left me with a bad taste in my mouth. Basically, over the break her group of friends had some drama, and I was just asking her if everything was ok in that group.

She rolled her eyes and said, "Mom!"

Of course, I'm puzzled, because I think I'm just being a concerned parent, but to her, this is me being "too involved." So she cops an attitude, when I think I'm just being...supportive.

Whatever.

So I'm driving to work, and I'm kind of in a mood. Then, suddenly on the radio, there is this:



Instantly, I am transported back to high school. Driving along in my car, tapping the drum part on my steering wheel, and not a care in the world besides the English paper due at the end of the week. I smiled, and felt better.

Remember back when having a paper due, or who said what to who was the biggest worry in your life, or that your algebra teacher *coughMrCoecough* was a jerk? I want to go back there.

When I got to work, I settled in and opened up hulu.com, for my daily viewing of yesterday's The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. I know, you wish you had my job. Really, you don't. Anyway, on Hulu's home page was a bunch of clips from old school Sesame Street. Talk about nostalgia, right? If the caption on this was correct, it was from season 4, or 1973. I was six. Who can forget this?



Wow, John John is pushing 40 about now too, right?

Just in case that's not quite enough, I had to look up my favorite Schoolhouse Rock song. And it's not even Conjunction Junction.



Enjoy. I did.

Again, Already?

If you read my first post from this year, January 1st, 2008, you will see that I predicted this in the very first paragraph. I said that I was packing up the Christmas stuff, and before we knew it, summer would be here. Then school would start, then we would be doing this dang holiday thing all over again.

That was two months ago. Or so it seems.

We put up a few little Halloween-y things on the house over the weekend. No one cares about this, except Kylie still wants to decorate the house. She is proud of herself that she can walk into the Halloween aisle in Target this year. She is not scared this year.

Saturday night, she brought a book for me to read to her. She is reading some on her own now, but this one she wanted me to read. It was "'Twas." A shortened title of 'Twas the Night Before Christmas." I was all ready to balk at reading this, because holy cow, it's the beginning of October. Can I catch my breath a minute here before we have to start doing the Christmas thing?

But I, uncharacteristically, didn't say that. Instead, I let her snuggle next to me while I read the book to her. And a few times while I was reading, my eyes threatened to well with tears.

She is so little, so innocent. She is six years old. She still believes in Santa Claus, fairies, magic, and the Easter Bunny. And she is the last one.

My two older kids went to a charter school for elementary school. They were a bit more sheltered than your average public school kid. The parents were more involved, more hands-on, and the kids more innocent and naive. Danni bought the Santa Claus thing until the Christmas of her sixth grade year, when she decided to ask, and I told her the truth. She was 11.

Shannon was a bit more savvy, and she figured it out the Christmas she was in fourth grade. She was nine, and she didn't seem all that bothered by the horrifying (or not) truth.

At the same time, in 2003, Kylie had turned one in September. We were gearing up for a really fun Christmas with a toddler. I threatened both my older children, on pain of death, that they were to play along and never, ever even suggest to their baby sister that Santa wasn't real. They were "in" on the secret now, a secret that must be preserved. And truth be told, they have fun playing along. They help Kylie leave cookies and milk out, with a bowl of water outside for the reindeer. Then after she's asleep, they help me fill her stocking, dump all but a few drops of water out of the water bowl, and leave tell-tale crumbs on Santa's cookie plate.

As I was reading 'Twas the Night Before Christmas' to Kylie the other night, I was sad. She is not in the same charter school the other two were in, because it was time to make the break. She is in a public school. It is a great school, but I wonder how the kids will differ. Will they all be chomping at the bit to burst everyone else's bubble? She is only in kindergarten. As I was reading the book, tears threatening to fall, all I could think was, "What if this is the last year?"

What if this is the last year that my baby still believes in Santa? She is still so full of wonder and make-believe, fairies and tales and princesses. Santa has been very real in our house for the past 16 years. I don't want this to end.

Please don't let this be the year that it ends. Please let her world be made of magic and glitter and wonder, for just a while longer.

A Day at the Beach

Dear Mother Nature,
Can I call you Mom? Ok, sorry. Mrs. Nature, how've you been? I'm sorry we are destroying the planet. It would be nice if you had the ability to heal yourself, like Claire Bennett. But that's neither here nor there.

The reason I'm writing is because it's October 1st, and I would appreciate it if we could stop all this heat nonsense. Once it's October, the 100 degree days really become tiresome. If you could do something...what? This weekend? High of 86 on Sunday? Really? Wow. You have no idea how much I appreciate that. Thanks!

Love,
Shelley

Because of our strange 'modified year-round' school schedule, we have already been in school for nine weeks, or a full quarter. Half a semester. Whatever. Anyway, the way our school year is structured, we get a two-week break after every quarter. My kids are on fall break for the next two weeks.

Last year during this time, we took a vacation to San Diego, which you could read all about here, in a four-part series. Complete with pictures.

This is Kylie a year ago on Mission Beach in San Diego. It was a great trip. We seem to do something every other year, and this isn't the year, for more reasons that it's just not the year. I think it might have something to do with the whole money/economy/world ending thing. Maybe.

Anyway, the challenge is trying to keep children busy and happy during the break. Ok, actually the challenge is trying to keep a very active six year-old from driving me nuts, and trying to do at least one thing a day with her.

There is one plus side to the 100 degree days we are still having: we can still swim. So we decided to go to the beach and swim today.



That's Kylie on the left, and some random little girl she started playing with on the right. Shyness is definitely not one of Kylie's personality traits. I'll bet sometimes people wish it was.

Now, you might be saying to yourself, "Shelley, where is there a beach in Arizona?" That's a good question, although we do like to make jokes about California dropping into the ocean and having us some oceanfront property in Arizona. I believe there's even a song. Just kidding, Californians! Love ya!

Ok, we didn't actually go to the beach. Some friends invited us over to swim, where they have this really neat, huge swimming pool with it's own beach.



So we pretended to be at the beach today. All we were missing is some waves and a few Mojitos. Kylie had a great time. I think as long as there's sand and water, she has a great time.

Before you ask, no I have not taken my six year-old to the tattoo parlor. Those are some sort of kid/temporary tattoos. I think. That's her story, anyway.

She proceeded to bury her new friend in the sand. Then the friend buried Kylie in the sand. I think whoever came up with the whole beach in a pool idea is a genius. The sand goes partway out into the pool, then there is a small barrier between the sand and the rest of the pool, topped with some sort of grate that catches any wayward sand. It seems to work well, as the rest of the pool didn't appear to have any sand in it.

Unfortunately, Kylie couldn't say the same for her bathing suit. Girlfriend had sand in places that no girl really wants to have sand, if you know what I mean.

So, what's on the agenda for tomorrow? I don't know. Please, someone give me an idea. And if it doesn't cost any money, you get bonus points.