Houston, We Have a Problem

You all know this book, right? If you have kids, you must have heard of it. I remember when it first came out, there was this big uproar over the word "fart." Like we all don't do it. Well, except me.



We have a new problem in the house, and let's just say I've thought of an alternate title to the above book.

For the past few nights, a dog has been...passing gas in our house. And this is not just any gas, but cringe-inducing, room-clearing, nauseating gas.

At first, I blamed Luke. Surely it must be the new dog, because Bo has never had this problem in the past. I've lived with this dog for the past nine years, and as God is my witness, I have never smelled this smell before.

However, last night, it became clear which dog was the culprit. Mainly because I nearly passed out from the smell, when Bo was right under the table, and Luke was outside. Obviously, I wasn't going to be able to blame this one on the puppy.

So, help me out here. He is eating the exact same food he has always eaten, so I know it's not the food. Steve says maybe it's all the exercise he's getting now, what with all the running around and playing with his new brother. Ok, exercise makes you fart? I wasn't aware of this. Which shows you how much exercise I get. Any of you exercisers out there, is this true?

Is it the altitude, the water, age, something new in the yard, stinkweed, or perhaps the little-known fartweed? Whatever it is, it needs to stop. Change. Something. Or I'm going to lose my dinner.

Does anyone else have a dog with this problem? Is there anything you can do about it? Like a natural remedy, like you put oil in their food for a shiny coat? What do you do about rancid-smelling SBDs from your dog? And please don't say you just live with it. I don't think I can.

My Two Boys

I have two boys in this house.

This is Bo. He's about 10 years old, so a senior citizen, as far as dogs go. He's a Chug (Chihuahua/Pug mix). Way back when I got him from the shelter, he was just a "mutt." Now he has a fancy name.

This is Luke. He's a beagle, about 8 months old. Did you know that beagles don't so much bark, as they do howl? I didn't. I do now.

We've had Bo for about 9 years. We rescued him from a shelter when he was about a year old.

Steve got Luke from a shelter when he moved to Denver six months ago. Luke kept him company when he was living in an apartment by himself.

The two of them met each other nine days ago. Since Bo is like an old man, and Luke is more like a toddler, you'd think they wouldn't be much interested in each other.

And this is what they do. All. Day. Long.

Life Without Teenagers

On Father's Day, Kylie wanted to take her dad fishing. Of course, this actually amounts to him taking her fishing, since she's never fished before, and it's one of his favorite things.




Since I imagine this is not the last time she will go fishing, we went and bought her her very own fishing pole. Clement Park is about five minutes from our house, and there is a lake.



Since I do not like fishing, or anything about fishing (boring, smelly, worms, flopping fish, ewww. I'm sorry, Justin...I really am), I set up camp under a tree, with a cooler of Diet Coke and the last Harry Potter book, which I am trying very hard to finish.

This is the view from my chair. It was about 77 degrees, and breezy. I could've sat there all day, and taken in the scenery.

Daddy baits the hook, because that's Daddy's job. Have I mentioned that worms, ewww?

They never did catch a fish on this particular day, but Kylie learned how to cast.

And she and her dad got to spend some quality time together.

Sitting on the pier, watching a bobber.

The End.

Except...there were two people noticably missing from our Father's Day. One of them will be arriving on July 3rd, and one of them...no longer lives with us.

Danni and my parents are going through an adjustment period, getting to know each other's schedules, my parents learning to live with a teenager again after 22 years of an empty nest. I think it's going ok. It will be better once school starts and they settle into a routine.

Have I mentioned that Danni has a job at Schmollister? (Mary, she really does!)

Here are some things I have noticed that have changed without them here:

We go through a lot less food.

And toilet paper.

I do a lot less laundry.

When I get ready in the morning, my brush is right where I left it.

So is my makeup.

I never have to go hunting for my lotion.

Kylie and I are together from the time she wakes up until the time she goes to sleep. This is not really as much fun as it sounds. Call me a bad mother, but by 4pm each day, I'm ready to lose my mind. She has no sisters to annoy at the moment, so guess who gets it? This is why I could never homeschool. Someone would surely die. Probably me.

I have no bathroom with makeup, towels and clothes spread from one end to the other.

I'm only nagging one person to clean up after herself, instead of three.

And I miss them like crazy.

Tipsy's Liquor World

I live exactly four miles from a store that purports to be the largest liquor store in the country.





I think I may need to go on a field trip.

I'm just sayin'.

P.S. - Danni, if you're reading this, I'm totally kidding.

Dear Colorado Landscape, Where Have You Been All My Life?

I have been taking pictures every day since we got here. As you can imagine, I'm getting a backlog. At first I thought, I'm not going to bore everyone with tons of pictures. Then I thought...well, of course I am.

These pictures are actually from the two-day drive that I took from Phoenix to Denver. In the van: Kylie, me, and the dog, Bo. There is no way I can do this drive in one day. Mapquest says 6 1/2 hours from Phoenix to Farmington NM, and then 6 1/2 hours from Farmington to Denver. Mapquest is full of crap. Factor in the kid, and the dog, and me getting lost (it had to happen at least once), and it's more like 8 hours each day.

First, you might say, why Farmington, NM? Well, it's about halfway, and there's a cheap Motel 6. And in this case, you really get what you pay for. What I got was scary people and a mattress that felt like a piece of plywood. Kylie? She got a friend.

This is Jillian. When we first saw her, she was sitting in the grass courtyard outside of our room, by herself. Not an adult in sight. I know she looks older than Kylie, but she's actually only five. I think I might have mentioned once or twice before that Kylie is a little on the small side.

Jillian and her mother and little sister were living at the motel, because they had been living with a roommate, but Mom and the roommate got in a fight, so here they were at the motel.

Kylie wanted to play with her, so I spent quite a lot of time sitting on the sidewalk outside my room with the dog on a leash, watching the girls romp around on the grass. Finally I told Kylie that we needed to leave and go get some dinner, and then go to sleep because we had another long day of driving ahead of us. She said I could just go back in the room and watch her out the window. Um, no freaking way, kid. Jillian's mom might be ok with that, but I definitely am not.

This is why I don't worry about Kylie though. She makes friends anywhere and everywhere she goes. Sometimes I think it would be nice to be six years old again.

Ok, day two of the drive. Day two was a lot more pleasant, mainly because of the amazing scenery that I'm going to share with you. I am having horrible anxiety issues right now, so we're all going to look at the beautiful, calming scenery together.

From Farmington, NM to this point is only about 30 miles or so. I was surprised how quickly we crossed over into Colorado.

Southwestern Colorado, such as the Durango area, is green rolling hills and trees. You drive through miles and miles of ranches and farms. Horses and cows abound. To a couple of city girls, the views were spectacular.

I love green, and tiny old abandoned houses sitting in the middle of nowhere. Doesn't it look straight out of Little House on the Prairie?

I pulled off the highway onto this dirt road to take the dog for a walk. It's a public road that led to several ranches down the way. Four or five pickup trucks rattled by as we were walking the dog. Every one of the drivers waved to us and called out, "How ya doin' today?", or something similar. People were so friendly, which is puzzling to me, because it's so not what I'm used to. I honestly expected someone to yell at us to get off the road, because it was a private road or something. But no, all we got were friendly greetings.

I love little waterfalls and rushing streams. There's just something so peaceful about them.

This is about halfway up Wolf Creek Pass. At the top is the Continental Divide.





We stayed here exactly fourteen seconds. Because an elevation of 11,000 ft. makes me woozy.

I have no more pictures, but I just have to mention that this time when I got lost? Was not my fault. My Mapquest directions said to take US-285 North for 122 miles. One would assume that this means you stay on the same road. However, Mapquest mentioned nothing about the one point where 285N and 24 East are the same road for a while. So there was a turn I was supposed to make to keep going on 285N/24E, except I didn't turn. So even though I just stayed straight on the same road, suddenly I was on 24W, which I didn't realize until I was about 25 miles beyond the mistake point. Then I got a feeling I was on the wrong road when I passed a sign that said it was 15 miles to Leadville. That didn't sound right. I called Steve. He said yup, you're on the wrong road. "But Mapquest was WRONG!", I cried. "I didn't screw up this time!"

Steve is very soothing in situations like this. He never makes fun of me for getting lost, for which I am grateful. He just calmly explained that I needed to turn around and go back to the last town I passed, Buena Vista. At the second stoplight, I needed to turn left to get back on 285N.

So I turned around, went back, and got on the right road. But just like last time I made this drive with a completely different screw up, it still cost me an extra hour. Some people are born with internal GPS systems. I am not one of them.

More pictures tomorrow, I think.

Hello from Colorado!

Hello, Internets. You know what's kind of cool about you guys? I just moved 800 miles, I turn on my computer, and here you all are. Well, not literally here, like I wish Jen was here, but somehow I feel like you're all still with me. Probably because you are. How've you been?


So, remember my little joke about how I'd be the new fat lady in the neighborhood? Turns out it's not really a joke. There are a bazillion little kids in this neighborhood, and they all have little skinny moms. All of them. Ok, that might be a slight exaggeration, as I've only met two of them so far.

Two doors down from us is a couple with a four year-old boy and a three year-old girl. The mom,(I forget her name) Jenny, was really nice. She was telling me about all the people in the neighborhood, all the names of their kids, how all the neighbors know each other and get together, block parties, etc. She was very friendly. And skinny. Then another mom came out to retrieve her son because they were going somewhere. The first lady Jenny had told me this second lady was a runner. And she's totally beautiful and skinny. Sigh. Incidentally, can anyone say the name "Jenny" without thinking of Forrest Gump? "Me and Jenny was just like peas and carrots." Just me? Ok.

Anyone know how I can become a size six by next week?

Would you like to see a few pictures? I knew you would.

This is the family room on the main floor. Steve had this done when I got here. I think he did a nice job.

This is Kylie's room, which we finished today. She is loving having her own room for the first time in her life! She is standing inside of her little walk-in closet, which is totally awesome. Room for clothes and toys!

These are the only two rooms in my house that you are going to see right now, because the rest of them are boxes.

Here we have the boys, Bo and Luke, cavorting in the back yard while I sit under the shade awning with my fat ass in a chair and watch them.

This is the big field right behind our cul-de-sac. That's the school Kylie will go to in the background there. It's about a 60 second walk from our house. Kylie and I took both dogs for a walk over there today. I never took dogs for a walk in Arizona. You know why? Because it was too stinking hot. Look, I'm healthier already. I walked dogs.


Right now it's 73 degrees and overcast, with possible thunderstorms building. How awesome is that?

Uh Oh...

In Farmington, New Mexico, the Roman Catholic Churches of San Juan County would like you to know that Jesus is watching you. Especially when you go to the adult video store.

Pervert.

The Proximity Diet

Did you know that Colorado is the skinniest state in America, with an obesity rate of only 18.4%? You can see that because Colorado is green on the map, while the fat states are brown and orange, or if you're Mississippi, God forbid, red. Did you also know that Colorado has held this title since 1990? And hey, what's up all my fattie sisters in Mississippi?

Of course, when I first arrive in Colorado, everyone will be all, who's the new fat lady in the neighborhood? But then, just by being close to healthy people, I will automatically become skinnier and healthier.

I will become an outdoorsy, hiking, biking, green, tree-hugging, granola-eating, Birkenstock-wearing, cloth bag-using, armpit hair-growing health nut. Except for the armpit hair part.

I'll let you know how that works out. But I'm totally still buying razors.

Intervention

No, not the TV show kind, but one just as important, in my humble little opinion.




This sign was on the front door of Walgreen's. On the front door. Of the Walgreen's. Actually, it was on both sliding doors, spelled the same way on both signs. After I finished crying and snapping the picture, I went inside. When I checked out with my breath mints and shoelaces, I said to the cashier,

Me: "Hi there. Do you know that the word "prescription" is misspelled on the sign on the door?"

Older Man Cashier Who Looked Like He Might Have Been A Manager But Apparently Wasn't: "It is? I'm glad I didn't write it. Whoever wrote it must not have been thinking."

Me: "Hmmm, well it's spelled "per" and it should be "pre."

Him: "Wow, I hope the manager didn't see that."

Me: "How long has the sign been up?"

Him: "Well, I think about three days."

Me: "And I'm the first person to mention it?"

Him: "Yep."

Me: Slowly dies inside.

I think the general populace needs a language intervention. When a drugstore cannot properly spell the word "prescription," something has to be done. I realize you don't need to be a genius to work at Walgreen's, and the pharmacist probably didn't make the sign (God, I hope the pharmacist didn't make the sign), but when adult people cannot spell common words, it makes me afraid for the future.

Speaking of which, I need some advice. Is there any way to politely tell a friend that they constantly spell some very common words wrong on Facebook posts, and that it makes them look stupid? Yeah, probably not.

This one particular friend I've known since high school. She has a habit of misspelling some very common words, and misusing common idioms. She didn't finish high school. In fact, she dropped out of ninth grade. Perhaps there's a correlation there. Anyway, she uses the word "tomorrow" on her Facebook posts frequently. But she spells it "tomarrow." Every single time. The other day, she also mentioned a storm they had "yesturday." And then my head exploded.

She posted a picture of her husband sitting on their back lawn in a chair, holding a beer in his hand. Someone jokingly asked if he was on the 12th hole. She responded, "No, but he had a hole and one!" I know she meant "hole-in-one." And then my head exploded, because I think that was way too much information.

One update a few weeks ago said,

"My babies graduation party is tomarrow night!"

You don't know how close I came to commenting and asking her exactly how many babies she had that were graduating this year. I have made comments that use the word "tomorrow," such as "Wow, the party is tomorrow? That week went by quickly!" I'll spell the word correctly in my comment. I've done this several times. It hasn't helped.

I've been thinking about this for a while, and I've come to the conclusion that people with this particular problem must not ever read anything. They don't ever see the words and phrases written down, they only hear them. Therefore, they write them the way they sound. I suppose "prescription" can sound like "perscription" when it's spoken. However, I don't think that's a particularly good excuse.

My bigger question for the universe is, why do I care? Our language is being mangled by text-speak sneaking into everyday writing and people who either won't or can't use proper grammar. I don't claim to be perfect, but it makes my blood boil when I see mistakes all over the place. (Notice I didn't say that "it literally makes my blood boil." Because I can't imagine my blood being at 212 degrees. Does blood boil at the same temperature as water? I don't know.) I don't know why it makes me so angry. I don't know why I feel compelled to carry a red Sharpie in my purse and correct signs such as the Walgreen's sign. The only reason I didn't correct that one is that it was inside the glass.

Please forgive my ranty ranting; I've been packing and moving and cleaning for about a week now and I'm totally fried. Perhaps I'll have something more interesting to write about "tomarrow."

Now for the biggest question of all: Who really needs the intervention? Is it the general populace? Or is it me? Excuse me while I go cry, and find some signs to correct.